Optimize Your Life

Episode #46: How to Stop Feeling Frustrated

Show Notes:

Welcome to another edition of Optimize Your Life. Now I don’t know about you, but I keep coming across people who are feeling frustrated. And sure, we sometimes feel frustrated with ourselves, especially when we mess up, but mostly I find that we spend a lot of time feeling frustrated with other people and situations. 

So today, we’re going to take a deep dive into the land of frustration and answer the question — how to stop feeling frustrated.

But before we go there, let me ask you a couple of questions. First question: What is frustration? You probably have felt it but if you take a moment to think about what it actually is, you might find that it’s not so clear. 

I have my own definition of the word, but I thought I might check out how others define it and here’s what I found. The way most people write about frustration is that it’s a feeling we get when we’re unable to fulfill our needs or achieve our goals. It’s when we feel blocked, uncertain, or stressed out. 

I can kind of see that, but I don’t think that quite captures it. Here’s what I consider a much more functional definition. Consider this: frustration is how you feel when you have a notion of how things should be but they turn out differently. The key word here is “should.” You’ll see why this is key in a moment. 

In the song Bobby McGree, Janice Joplin sings, “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.” In our case, frustration is just another word for an expectation that goes unfulfilled. 

Think about the types of things that commonly frustrate you. Here are some common scenarios:

You have a disagreement with your spouse. You give in and let them have their way only to find out you were right all along. It’s one of those situations where you can easily say, “I told you so” but don’t.

You look in the mirror and don’t like the muffin top around your midsection. You’re frustrated that you’ve let your discipline go down the drain and let yourself have one too many desserts over the past 3 months. 

You turn on the oven to preheat it before baking some vegetables only to find out that your spouse placed your son’s gingerbread house in there and now you’ve melted it down. 

You’re driving responsibly and are even courteous to others around you, but a driver cuts you off. 

You go out to dinner and just want to have a nice time out after working all week, but the service is incredibly slow and the waiter can’t remember that you’ve asked for a drink even after you’ve reminded him three times. 

You desperately want to get to your appointment on time, but on your way, you get stuck in mad traffic.

You try to log into your Facebook account on your phone, but you’ve forgotten your password and now you can’t get in. 

You’re presenting to a group on Zoom and suddenly your wifi connection goes down.

You’re trying to focus on your work but your phone keeps ringing — it’s a spammer.

You’re out walking while you catch up with an old friend and your phone runs out of battery.

You’re on your way to the airport but the bus that’s supposed to take you there is late.

You’re getting older and your eyesight or hearing is rapidly declining. 

You are very clear with your kids that they need to brush their teeth and get into bed but they aren’t following directions.

You’re in the shower but suddenly there’s no more hot water. 

You’re washing a dish in the sink but it slips from your hands and breaks. 

I could go on and on, but you get the point. 

So maybe Google was right. It is about not being able to get what you want, but there’s something even bigger here which they don’t go into which I really think is key and that’s the thought process you go through that leads to your frustration. 

In all the scenarios I just mentioned, there is a common thread. It’s that you’re not happy with the way things are going. You had expectations for what you wanted or what you thought should happen and it didn’t go your way. 

Certainly there are internal frustrations when you’re frustrated with yourself and there are external frustrations like other people or circumstances. But the common denominator regardless of where the frustration is coming from is your thinking. 

Let’s simplify this.

Consider the situation with the person who cut you off in traffic. You probably have an idea of how people should behave on the road. They shouldn’t have road rage, swerve through lanes without signaling, text while driving, and certainly, they should be courteous. 

So Joe cuts you off and you become belligerent. You’re out of your mind with fury. And then maybe you’re frustrated with yourself for overreacting. Or you keep your composure and you’re not seething, but you’re just frustrated that Joe drives like a maniac.

Either way, you have a thought that someone or something should be different from how it is. You’re not accepting things as they are. You’re fighting reality in your mind. 

You with me so far? This sounds really obvious and simple, but it’s harder to implement the change than you might think which is why we’re all walking around feeling frustrated all the time. 

So yes — the solution isn’t complicated. It just takes mindfulness and practice. 

Here’s what this might look like. 

Joe cuts you off. You notice yourself getting frustrated. Then you pause, identify your thought about what just happened. You locate the thought that says, “That bastard! Who does he think he is?” So far, not so helpful. 

Dig deeper. What you’re looking for is the thought that includes the word “should.” So ask yourself this question: “What am I telling myself about this incident that I think should have been different?”

And you might answer that with “He shouldn’t have cut me off.”

Bingo!

You’re identified your “should” statement. What now?

Now remind yourself that things happen. You have no control over anyone or anything other than yourself — and even then your subconscious mind runs the show 90 percent of the time. So if you can’t control yourself, how will you ever control other people? You can’t!

What can you do? Breathe. And let it go. 

Here’s why we sometimes struggle to do this. We think we know why people behave the way they do. We tell ourselves the story that Joe is just an asshole. But in reality, you don’t know why he cut you off. Maybe he didn’t see you. Maybe he was in a hurry. Or maybe he likes the thrill of driving quickly. But no matter what the answer is, his driving has nothing to do with you. And that’s important to keep in mind because part of your frustration comes from your interpretation and from making that interpretation personal. 

It’s quite comical when you think about it. It’s like our brain has decided that Joe has a personal agenda against us. This morning when he got in his car he said, “I’m going to look for Debbie on the road and cut her off. I’ll show her!” Of course that’s not what happened. And when he saw Debbie on the road, he wasn’t like “There she is! The perfect driver for me to pull my stunt on!” No. 

What’s more likely is Joe was driving, became impatient and cut you off so he could go faster. He doesn’t know anything about you nor does he care. It’s not personal so stop making it feel like it is. 

He shouldn’t do anything. He’s doing what he’s doing. Period. End of story. 

So when you feel yourself getting heated, just breathe

And when you exhale, let the tension go. 

It doesn’t serve you. 

Don’t let circumstances and other people get you down. Manage your mind. Otherwise, you’re going to burn out

Now as I mentioned earlier, this is easier said than done. There’s a lot to managing your mind, but with some guidance, you can get there. 

That’s why I put together the Mindset Mastery Starter Kit. It’s you for. And it’s free so you have no excuses. Get your copy right now. Go to bit.ly/mindsetmasterykit to get started.

Don’t underestimate the importance of this work. You know what it’s like being frustrated all the time. You become irritable, you give up on things, your confidence suffers, you have built up stress, are filled with negativity, and all this can affect your sleep and your overall health. 

Let’s not go there. Grab the starter kit. Let’s go!

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