Optimize Your Life

Episode #40: Managing Expectations

Show Notes:

Hello and welcome to our 40th episode here at Optimize Your Life. I’m just amazed and thrilled to be reaching this marker. This week we’re diving into expectations. We’re going to talk about how to set expectations that are realistic and how to manage 3 different types of expectations. So if you’re someone who gets tripped up when it comes to what you expect or what you think is expected of you, then listen closely. 

Before we dive into how to manage expectations, let’s talk about what expectations are and how to set expectations so you’re not getting all tripped up. 

Ready for my definition? Expectations are what you think may or should happen in the future. We have expectations all day long. The question is, are they realistic

Why is this important? Because when you don’t manage your own unrealistic expectations, you burn yourself out trying. When you don’t manage your expectations of others, you burn the bridge to your relationships. When you don’t manage others’ expectations of you, you either end up running yourself ragged if you’re a people pleaser or you become filled with resentment. Having unrealistic expectations and feeling disappointed is like diving with a water resistant watch and being horrified when you come up to the surface that it’s no longer working. Don’t expect it to perform like a waterproof watch. It isn’t designed with this in mind. And neither are you. 

Assuming you’re on board with being realistic, let’s take a look at how to effectively manage expectations – whether they are internal, as in your expectations of yourself or your expectations of others, or external – others’ expectations of you.  We’ll start with the expectations you set for yourself. 

Self-expectations often take the form of goal setting. Consider something you expect yourself to accomplish. When you set goals for yourself, it’s important to aim for something you have the ability to reach. That’s not to say that you don’t stretch yourself. It just means that you’re realistic in what you set out to achieve. 

If you’ve ever heard of the acronym SMART, you know that the basis of goal setting is focusing on goals that are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-specific. And if you’re in the process of goal setting, you can check out my goal-setting course, Get in the Driver’s Seat, for 75% off for a limited time. Go to https://bit.ly/expectyoursuccess and enter promo code: REALISTIC75 or check out the show notes for the info. 

Let’s say you set your goal, but things turned out differently from what you planned. What do you tell yourself about it? What you make things mean creates the emotion within you. If you feel disappointed, it’s likely because of a thought such as, “That sucks. I really wanted to have that. Bummer.” It’s absolutely normal to have a reaction like this, but it doesn’t mean it’s the most effective way to manage your expectations. 

You see, there is a difference between expecting and aiming. You can aim for a goal with the expectation that you may or may not attain it. But if you expect it and it doesn’t go your way, your disappointment may hinder you from aiming again in the future. This means, it’s important to monitor your mind chatter and whether you let the shortcoming get in the way of growth. In essence, what this boils down to is acceptance. You grow with intention by setting goals that stretch you, but you have to have acceptance built in in the event that you don’t accomplish what you want. 

Keep in mind that sometimes it takes a while to achieve your goals. Go back to the acronym and see what may have contributed to this failure. Maybe the goal was realistic in what you’re aiming for but not in the time frame. Maybe it’s a realistic goal that wasn’t attainable at this time for you because of other circumstances. When you take the time to examine what led to your lack of success, you can set yourself up better the next go around. 

What if you’re able to manage your expectations of yourself pretty well, but where you get tripped up is in what you expect of others? If that’s you, notice that the primary emotion you feel isn’t typically disappointment. It’s likely more along the lines of frustration. 

Here’s why. When you expect someone else to do something, like meet you at your favorite lunch spot at noon and they show up late, you probably have a thought like, “They’re so inconsiderate. The least they could have done is call to say they are running late. They should be more considerate.” It’s this last phrase, the “should” that is directly tied to your frustration. In other words, every time you tell yourself that someone should be different than how they are, you’re guaranteed to feel frustrated. How else would you feel? Think about it. 

So how can you manage your expectations of other people? Here are my top tips:

  1. Communicate what you expect clearly and, in some cases, often, depending on the person and the situation.  
  2. Make sure the person understands. It’s helpful to have them restate the agreement to you so you’re sure you’re both on the same page.
  3. Expectations of others can include what you want them to do but it can also be for them to conform to your beliefs or ways of thinking. Steer clear of this kind of expectation and instead, agree to disagree. Focusing on the need to be right is about ego and is detrimental to your relationships.

So far we’ve talked about how you can manage your internal expectations – what you expect of yourself and others. 

But how do you handle the expectations that others hold of you? As it turns out, if you’re not asking this question of yourself, you might be responding subconsciously. 

You see, other people’s expectations can become your programming. That’s why some professionals go into their careers because it is what their parents wanted them to do. It’s part of the reason why people marry someone their parents will approve of often. You get the point. So if you want to be your own agent, you need to be asking the right questions.

Anna Quindlen, author of “Being Perfect,” shared this quote about why listening to yourself instead of others is important. Here’s what she said, “Someday, sometime, you will be sitting somewhere. A berm overlooking a pond in Vermont. The lip of the Grand Canyon at sunset. A seat on the subway. And something bad will have happened: You will have lost someone you loved, or failed at something at which you badly wanted to succeed. And sitting there, you will fall into the center of yourself. You will look for some core to sustain you. And if you have been perfect all your life and have managed to meet all the expectations of your family, your friends, your community, your society, chances are excellent that there will be a black hole where that core ought to be. I don’t want anyone I know to take that terrible chance. And the only way to avoid it is to listen to that small voice inside you that tells you to make mischief, to have fun, to be contrarian, to go another way. George Eliot wrote, ‘It is never too late to be what you might have been.’ It is never too early, either.” 

I ask you, is that you? Do you have a black hole in your core? Is it because you don’t have a sense of purpose? Is it because you let other people dictate your life for you? If it is, do something about it please. 

I don’t want to give the notion that other people’s expectations of you is always a bad thing, though. You’ll notice that at work, if your boss expects you to perform certain tasks, that’s not a negative. In this case, the way to handle the expectation is to ask for specific feedback. You want to make sure you are doing what is expected of you because that’s what you signed up for. It’s better to be proactive and ask for that feedback than hear back from your boss later in the year during your review that you’re not living up to expectations. And if you want to learn more about how to elicit the best kind of feedback, go back and listen to episode 21.

Consider this: Expectations are subjective. Goals are objective. You either attain them or you don’t and you need evidence. Instead of sitting back and expecting things to happen when it comes to your personal goals, plan and executive. When it comes to others’ goals for you, instead of focusing on the wrong thing and falling short, get that feedback and make sure you’re super clear on the person’s communication. 

Just to overdeliver, I have 3 more amazing tips that I think can make a massive difference in how you manage expectations. 

  1. We started out by talking about setting realistic expectations. But how can you do that? My tip is to sort through the three types of expectations: The ones you want of yourself, the ones you want of others, and the ones others want of you and put them in these 3 buckets: The first bucket is for expectations that are easily fulfilled. Anything that goes here is, by definition, realistic. The second bucket is for expectations that take time, energy, and effort to fulfill. And the third bucket is for expectations that will remain unfulfilled. This should give you some clarity on what is happening in your life. 
  2. Earlier, we mentioned the importance of acceptance. As the Buddhist saying goes, “If something is in your control, why be unhappy? And if something is not in your control, why be unhappy?” Accepting the things that don’t work out for you will allow you to stay contented no matter what. 
  3. And finally, even beyond acceptance, I encourage you to focus on growth. When I was growing up, my dad always said, “If you have low expectations, you can’t be disappointed.” What if you aimed for the moon with the mindset that when expectations aren’t fulfilled, you will accept that and look for the lesson in it? Your growth is more important than the suffering you experience when you feel disappointment or frustration. 

As you can see, so much of your success comes back to your mindset and being intentional. If you’d like more mindset tips, go to bit.ly/mindsetmasterykit and sign up. That’s where I share everything you need to feel better, optimize your performance, and increase your confidence. 

And remember to tune back in every Wednesday for your weekly dose of Optimize Your Life. See you next time. 

 

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